Title: Even Angels Fall: To Crash, To Burn Author: Jo Rating: NC17 Pairing: Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen Summary: When fame is overwhelming, even angels fall. Warnings: this one isn't going to be pretty...there's going to be language, violence, drug/alcohol abuse, and angst up the wazoo. If that ain't your thing, hit the delete button now Author's Notes: Inspired by "Let Her Cry" by Hootie & The Blowfish, lyrics have been tweaked here. MAJOR thanks to Wendy for emotional support, beta work, and research on this thing. Takes place roughly 1-2 years in the future. For Wendy for her 'inspiration' in matters of dialogue and nosebleeds and for Carnaline for the vision of angelic demons Disclaimers: They're not mine, I don't own them, this didn't happen...well, it could have, but they didn't tell me about it...any resemblance to real life events is strictly coincidental and no implications should be drawn because this is a work of FICTION mid-December, 2002 New York City, New York The Two Towers premiere "How is he doing?" Ian asked, stopping beside me and nodding towards Orlando. "He's okay," I said with a small smile. "He's got a lot of energy tonight because he slept the entire flight this morning and then took a nap after lunch." Ian made a thoughtful noise and glanced at me. The crowd -- the small one that was left -- moved around us as we stood there. Finally, he turned around to face me fully. "So all his excess...energy tonight is because he got too much sleep today?" I sighed and resisted the urge to run my hands through my hair. Pretty sure I would have been numerous strands closer to bald if I had given in to that impulse. Hated the innuendos. If they wanted to say something to me, they should just come right out and say it and stop beating around the proverbial fuckin' bush. "Ian," I said patiently, shoving my hands deep into my pockets. "Orlando has had tea, mineral water, and fruit juices to drink since diving off the roof. Last night at dinner, he had a glass and a half of wine. He was perfectly sober the entire time. He was sweet and loving and affectionate. And he is sober now. All he's had tonight is water." Another thoughtful noise and he just looked at me. Those eyes, so calm and wise, seeming to peer right into my soul. I turned away and found myself face to face with the one person I had been avoiding all night. All I could do was stand there and look at him. "I see you and Orlando made it," Sean said quietly. I just nodded. He looked over towards Orlando. "He seems...calm tonight." "Sean, don't start," I said. I could hear the tiredness creeping into my voice. Why did it have to be like this any time we got together any more? He held up his hands. "Truce, Viggo," he said. "I promise to behave if Orlando does." "He will." So confidant. Sometimes I amazed myself. Neither Sean nor Ian looked like they believed me, but I didn't really care. My eyes sought out Orlando and I smiled. He looked so happy, posing for photographs with Lij, the two of them hamming it up for the cameras. A soft laugh as Lij stood on tiptoe to plant a very sloppy kiss on Orlando's cheek. Flashbulbs exploded around them. That photo would be all over the Internet within twenty-four hours. Yet more fuel for the controversy mill that had surrounded Orlando and the hobbit actors from Day One. "So," Sean said, pulling my attention away from the younger crowd. "Is it too much to hope that we could have a drink or two back at the hotel after all this is over?" "Sure," I said, watching him closely. "As long as you don't mind Orlando being with me." Hesitation. So brief that I wouldn't have noticed it in anyone else. Then a quick shake of his head. "No, that's fine," he said. Sean's eyes always gave him away. I knew he didn't want Orlando there, but that was my condition. He would accept it with reluctant grace, but he wouldn't like it. I didn't care. "Actually," Ian said, cutting in smoothly. He managed that with such grace. "Peter has an entire suite reserved at the hotel and he would like all of us to join him for an after-party party of sorts. I can't imagine that he would want either of you, or Orlando, to miss it." I nodded. Of course Orlando and I would attend. As much as he loved me, I knew that he enjoyed spending time with our dear hobbits. Sooner or later, he would end up on the bottom of the hobbit pile after some bizarre game of Twister where they invented the rules as they went along, but that was Orlando. I expected nothing less of him. Sean just mumbled something that I assumed was a confirmation. Mental shrug. If he wanted to talk -- and it seemed as if that was exactly what he had in mind -- we would be able to talk in the suite. And most likely without Orlando around, a fact that I was sure would thrill Sean. More people trickled out slowly and Peter came by to confirm that we would all be there. I accepted for Orlando as well as myself, something that caused Peter to laugh. It hadn't been a secret in New Zealand that we were together and Peter had overlooked it when he realized that we wouldn't let it interfere with our job. I had been thankful to him for that for several years. A mild commotion from across the room drew our attention. Loud voices. Frantic. Someone yelling for ice. And then there was Lij running towards me. "Great," Sean muttered, not quite under his breath. "What sort of trouble has he gotten himself into now?" Just barely enough time to throw him a dark look before Lij was in front of me, so frantic he couldn't stand still. My hands closed over his shoulders, trying to calm him. "Lij, what --" "Orlando's nose is bleeding! Badly!" Panic edging his voice. Calmly. Not the first nosebleed that Orlando had had by all means. "Who punched him?" Sean asked calmly. Lij looked at him in disbelief. "No one did, it just started bleeding. We were talking and all the sudden, whoosh! Orlando had blood everywhere! Viggo, you --" "Calm down, Lij," I said, starting to walk, pulling him with me. "Did anyone think to put ice on it? Pinch it to stop the bleeding? Tell me you didn't have him tip his head back." "No, but we tried all that, Viggo! And it's still bleeding!" "Did y--" "We tried everything, Viggo and none of it fucking worked! What the hell do we do now? Stick a fucking maxi-pad on there? Shove a damn tampon up his nose or something? What?" I wondered if I could get away with slapping Lij. He was borderline hysterical. And then we pierced the small group surrounding Orlando. I could understand Lij's hysterical behavior. I had seen Orlando with a bloody nose before. I had even given him one quite by accident one night in New Zealand when we got a little overzealous in our loveplay. But this.... I had never seen him bleed this much. His shirt was soaked with crimson and it had run down his hands in rivulets. He sat there in a chair, an ice pack pressed to his nose, his eyes closed. "Angel, what happened?" Ignore the blood, focus on him. I knelt beside his chair. One eye opened and he shrugged, the movement small and nervous. "Dunno," he said, anxiety lacing his voice. "We were talking and id jud happened." "Elijah, get another ice pack. Quickly." Ian's voice behind me. Sean back there, too, but I couldn't look. Barely a minute passed and Lij was back with a second bag of ice. Ian took it and pressed it to the back of Orlando's neck, ignoring his sudden squirming. "Hey!" Almost funny, the indignant tone of voice, the way his eyebrows shot up. "Be quiet, Orlando," Ian said calmly, holding the ice firmly in place. "We've got to restrict the bloodflow to your head if we're going to stop the nosebleed." "Can't that kill him?" Billy asked, his eyes widening in fear. "We can hope," Sean muttered behind me, plastering an innocent look on his face when I glared at him. "No, Billy, it can't," I said, still glaring at Sean. Relieved when Astin pulled Lij away. Poor Lij. He always seemed to be the one who had to report Orlando's scrapes to me. And this one had scared him. Long minutes passed before Orlando was able to pull the ice from his nose. He looked miserable sitting there, his teeth chattering, as I used wet paper towels to clean the worst of the blood off his face and hands. "I'm sorry," he whispered. So forlorn. The urge to pull him into my arms and cuddle him was almost overwhelming. "You haven't done anything to be sorry about, angel," I said softly, blocking out the world around us. "I can't believe you gave yourself a bloody nose on purpose. Did you?" He shook his head and smiled weakly. I decided the best thing to do was get him back to the hotel and tucked into bed. I could call Peter from the room and explain. He'd understand. Some of the others would as well. Some wouldn't. I didn't care. + + + "Orlando, are you sure about this?" I watched him closely in the elevator, trying to calm myself. "Positive, love," he said softly. Flashed that smile. "I feel better after my shower and a few minutes won't hurt." I studied his face carefully. I had to admit that he did look much better than he had when we arrived at the hotel. Refusing to let him shower alone, I had joined him, taking care to make sure that every trace of blood was washed off him. The damp heat and the closeness had been comforting for both of us. He had professed his love for me so many times I had lost count. He could be funny like that at times. "Alright," I said softly. "But just for a little while and if you start to feel bad, we're leaving immediately." He grinned, those wonderful dimples flashing, and kissed me soundly as the elevator doors slid open. Fingers laced with mine, oblivious to anyone watching, pulling me down the hall behind him. Quiet conversation, warmth, and hobbit shrieks washed over us when Peter pulled open the door. Within minutes, the hobbit actors had clustered to Orlando like iron filings to a magnet. All except Astin. Once again, he stood just outside the circle, watching with an amused smile. Eventually, they would draw him in as well. They always did. Within minutes, Orlando and his acquired entourage had vanished into the depths of the suite. I spent a few minutes talking to Liv and John, neither of whom had made it to the L.A. premiere. Small favor that, because neither was witness to Orlando's insane leap of faith the night after. Orlando remained foremost in my thoughts. I let my eyes seek him out, mildly worried when I didn't see him. Only partially reassured when I realized that Lij and Dom were missing as well. Presumably they were with my wayward angel. With the way Lij tattled, it would be hard for Orlando to get into serious trouble with him around. It wasn't long before I found myself with Ian and Sean again. Ironic how that worked out. Even though I knew the turns our conversation would take, I was drawn to them. We chatted idly for a while, all of us so careful to dance around the subject they really wanted to discuss. So kind of them. Really. God, I hated myself when I was sarcastic. I could feel it coming on though. The sheer absurdity of the whole situation was the cause. My best friend and my lover, once so close during filming, now couldn't stand each other. And I was stuck right in the middle. Lovely. Just fucking peachy. "...nosebleeds?" "What?" I turned to look at Sean, embarrassed by my lack of attention to the conversation. The look of censure in their eyes hitting me with an almost physical force. "I asked if Orlando was regularly having nosebleeds," Sean said patiently, his hand moving idly, swirling the contents of his glass. Ian calmly watched as he lit a cigarette. "No, he's fine," I said quickly. Paused. Then, "Well, every once in a while he has one. Not like tonight though. That's the first time one has ever been that bad. Usually they only last a minute or two and there's very little blood." "And how long has this been going on?" Ian still stood there watching, not speaking. I shrugged and rubbed the back of my neck. "Not long," I said. Casual sounding. Too casual. "A few months." "I see." Knowing look on his face as he glanced at Ian. I gritted my teeth and tried to smile. From their expressions, I failed miserably. "Viggo," Ian said quietly. "You do know that one sign of cocaine abuse is frequent nosebleeds, don't you?" An odd sound. Almost like a growl. Had that come from me? Sudden mental flash of a mirror falling, shattering on the bathroom floor. Bright glittering shards that reflected the sunlight pouring through the open window. I shook my head angrily and looked at them both. "Don't start," I said through gritted teeth. Sean opened his mouth and then stopped, his eyes shifting to a point just past my left shoulder, his expression tightening. I turned in time to receive an armful of exuberant Orlando as he literally pounced on me. Staggering slightly, my arms instinctively closed around him as he enveloped me, legs wrapping around my waist, arms twining around my neck. "Viggo!" He squeaked. It could only be described as a squeak. And then I forgot the squeak as he kissed me. Hard, no holding back, tongues involved, hot, wet, sloppy kiss. "Oh for...." Sean sounded...angry? Disgusted? Not happy, definitely. "Would you two get a room?" "Piss off, mate," Orlando said, laughing as he unlocked his ankles and let his feet fall to the floor, his arms still around my neck. Another kiss. I was addicted to his kisses. Smoke and peppermint. So nice. Muttering behind me. Ian and Sean. Why? Why did they have to be so...so. "Where've you been, angel?" Almost held my breath waiting for his answer. Hoping. No. Don't start. "With Lijah," Orlando said, his smile fading, his eyes flickering to Sean quickly. "Why? Don't you trust me?" "I trust --" "So, Lij," Sean said suddenly, stepping up beside me, his eyes remaining on Orlando. "What were you and Orlando doing?" "N-nothing," Lij stammered, his eyes wide. "Nothing at all?" Sean asked, focusing on Lij, watching him intently. Wide, too blue to be real eyes looked at me as he took a tiny step back. I nodded encouragingly. Surprised when Orlando's eyebrows drew together over the bridge of his nose and his eyes darkened. "What?" Anger in those dark eyes. Why? What did I do this time? "You think I'm cheating on you?" "No, I don't think that, Orlando." Reached out to touch him but he pulled away, still angry. So much anger. "It's him, isn't it?" His thumb jerked towards Sean. "He told you I'm cheating on you, didn't he? Bastard's so jealous that he'll say anything to turn you against me!" "Orlando," I said, still trying to get through to him, diffuse his anger. "Sean di--" "It's none of your god damn business what Lijah and I were doing!" Voices going silent around us. Everyone looking. "You're not my father! I'm just the stupid little shit that warms your bed!" "That's not true!" "Why don't you grow up?" Sean there again, glaring at Orlando. No. No more fighting. I was so damn tired of all the fighting. "Why don't you get your fucking nose out of my life and stop sniffing around Viggo?" Orlando asked, his voice getting louder. "Orlando, please stop," I said softly, touching his arm. Friends watching in confusion, concern, sympathy. He looked at me. No alcohol on his breath. "I did, you know," he said, his mouth twisting into a half smile. "You did what?" Blink. Sick feeling starting to build in my stomach. Everything was so surreal. The lights were too bright. The room was too hot. "Cheated on you," he said so softly I had to strain to hear him. Sean went perfectly still. It wasn't the room that was too hot. It was me. I was hot. No. Cold. Sick feeling. "You...what?" Had to force the words out. So cold. Sean's hand on my arm. "I fucked someone else." His voice was louder, leaving no doubt in anyone's mind what he said. Just like that. No emotions, nothing. He just said it like it was no big fucking deal. Numb. "You...did." I could still talk. Barely. He nodded. "I did," he said, still in that matter of fact tone. "Last month while you were here and I was home." "How...." I stopped and licked my lips, Sean's hand still tight on my arm. "How many times?" "Just the once," he said, shoulders moving in a nonchalant shrug. "It wasn't a big deal. I just wanted to see what it was like to fuck someone else." A tiny smirk, those dark eyes on me, penetrating my soul as he ripped my heart out and stomped on it. "You're better." A soft gasp from behind him. Couldn't look. All I could see was Orlando. Watching me with that little Orlando-smirk, his eyes glittering darkly. I could see Sean's lips moving out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn't hear him. The only sound was an odd rushing noise in my ears, getting louder with each second. Then I knew what it was. My blood pounding through my veins. Shrugged Sean's hand off and stepped forward, stopping directly in front of my beautiful demon-angel lover. "You did, did you?" Slowly burning as he shrugged again. "Who?" "Just...someone," he said. So calm. Icy almost. Watching me intently. No more games. "Who, damn you?" So fragile. His arms in my hands as I shook him. Had to control my anger. "Nobody," he said, not trying to pull away. "He wasn't important." A choked sound in the small crowd surrounding us. I let him go, almost shoving him away. Too much anger, too much emotion period. So cold. So very, very cold. Sean was talking to me. Pity in Ian's eyes. The hobbits were there -- Astin and Dom anyway -- taking it in with wide eyes. I started to turn away and then stopped to look back at him. He just stood there. "You were right," I said quietly, my voice falling into the silence like shattered ice. Don't say it. Don't. I couldn't stop myself. Hurting, wanting to hurt in return. Even if it was a lie. "Right?" "About Sean." Quick intake of breath from just behind me. A whispered "No" as my intent became clear. Orlando's eyes narrowed even as his body dropped into a deceptively casual stance. "I was?" "Yes," I said, tonelessly. Couldn't let him hear my pain. "I fucked him." "What?" He straightened, ignoring Sean's negative gestures and softly spoken "Viggo, don't do this." Standing right in front of me, looking me in the eye. "The other night after you jumped off the roof," I said, hating myself for saying it, hating him for forcing me to lie. But loving him so much it hurt. "Why do you think he was there so early? I figured if you were going to accuse me of it, I might as w--" Sudden flash of pain through my head as stars exploded behind my eyes. When they vanished, I found myself leaning heavily against Ian's chest as he held me up. Fire lanced through my jaw and only then did I realize that Orlando had hit me. And then Sean was there, helping me stand, his eyes full of concern. "Viggo, why?" Sean asked softly. I had no answer. So I looked back at Orlando, at the rage twisting his features. Closed my eyes against the pain. God, I loved him so much. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. So cold. "Get your fucking hands off him!" Orlando was there, pulling Sean away. Furious. I had never saw him that angry. So beautiful even then. "Get away from me, Orlando," Sean said in a quietly controlled voice. Steely. "Before I do something we'll both regret." More fighting. Always the fighting, so loud. I wanted it to stop. All I could do was add fuel to a fire already raging out of control. "He was good, Orlando," I heard myself say as if from a distance. "Almost as good as you." "Viggo, don't," Sean said, his voice full of pain. "Let's just go get some ice to put on your jaw. You don't need this shit from him." "Fuck you!" Orlando screamed. Everything had happened so fast. More yelling, Ian holding on to me. Sean standing there so calm in his anger. Orlando in his face, the rage flowing off him in waves. His hands on Sean's chest shoving hard. Hobbit voices mixed in with everything else. Where was Lij? I tried to pull away from Ian but couldn't. I could only watch as Sean's fist came around in slow motion and crashed into Orlando's chin. My beautiful, precious angel, spinning around, no chairs to stop his fall. Falling. Slowly. So slowly. And then he was on the floor, holding his jaw, spitting blood out. Sean standing over him, fists clenched, chest heaving as he struggled with himself. "No," he said so calmly. "Fuck you. Mate." "Orlando," I whispered brokenly. Hated the defeated note in my voice. That couldn't possibly be it. Not like that. "Come, Viggo," Ian said softly, helping Sean steer me towards the door. "The two of you need some time apart to calm down and think." I didn't want time apart. Not like that. Never like that. So much anger there, the lies between us. I needed Orlando. He was my addiction. But I numbly let them lead me from the suite while my fallen angel struggled to pick himself up. + + + "This is a fine mess, my friend," Sean said quietly as he wrapped ice in a towel. I just sat there on the edge of his bed, not speaking, staring at the wall. He sighed and moved to stand beside me, holding out the terry wrapped parcel. When I didn't take it, he sighed again and knelt in front of me, one knee on the floor. Concern in those crystal clear eyes as he took my chin in one hand while laying the makeshift ice-pack over the rapidly forming bruise along my jaw. I continued to stare at the wall without seeing it. "I know," he said after several minutes, "You don't want to hear this, but it has to be said, Viggo. Orlando is out of control and if you can't see it after tonight, you're not the man I f-- Thought you were. He needs help." Slowly I dragged my eyes from the wall and looked at him. Still wouldn't speak. I could only look. Cold and numb inside. Was this what it felt like to be dead? I hoped not. I didn't think I could stand an eternity of this aching, painful nothingness. "He's going to kill himself one of these days," he said quietly. "He's going to take the wrong thing or too much of something else and he's going to die. You know that. I don't know what made him think that drugs and alcohol were the solution to whatever problems he has and I don't know what got him started or when, but I know how it's going to end." Pain. Sharp, tearing pain through my heart as I remembered New Zealand. How could I tell Sean that it was my hand that set Orlando's foot on the path that he now walked? No. Stop it. He's fine. He just needed me. When it was just the two of us, he was fine. I couldn't do this. Couldn't think. It hurt too much. "Viggo," Sean said, his soft, soft words penetrating the fog surrounding my brain. "I don't want to have to hold you up when they put him in the ground." Don't. Don't put those images in my head. Couldn't deal with them just then. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to deal with the image of Orlando's cold, lifeless body. Not him. Not the one person who was so much more full of life than anyone else I knew. I shoved the images away ruthlessly. Too much pain and anger. Sean's fingers, gentle on my chin, lightly touching the unbruised side of my jaw in tiny strokes. "My God," Sean said, his voice quiet but determined. "Why do you let him do this to you, Viggo? I could kill him for treating you like he does." "I love him," I whispered. Kept my eyes open to see the spasm of pain that crossed his face before he dropped his head. "I know." So much anguish in those two small words. I couldn't bear it. "You deserve so much better than that, though. You should be with someone who will cherish you. Someone who will take care of you and make your life perfect. But you're hung up on that little bastard who's making your life a living hell." "Would you be that someone, Sean?" Devastating, those words. I could see the emotions flit through his eyes almost too fast to discern: hope, surprise, pain, acceptance. I closed my eyes against the honest emotions I saw there. Felt his fingers slide up my jaw to touch the side of my neck, his breath wafting across my cheek. "I would be anything," he whispered so very softly. "If you wanted me." I should have been surprised when his lips touched mine. I wasn't. It was Sean and part of me knew he would never intentionally hurt me. It was light and gentle. So much more gentle than I deserved. So different from Orlando's kisses. Even when gentle, Orlando's kisses were always wild and exciting and just a little dangerous. This one...this one was comforting. It was warm and soft and loving. And it hurt. Oh, God, did it ever hurt. Tears gathered behind my closed eyelids as his hand slid through my hair to cradle the back of my head. So gentle. His tongue, softly insistent, traced the outline of my mouth, delving inside when my lips parted, coaxing a response from my tongue, drawing it into a tentative dance. Barely aware of my own hands lifting to touch his face, his hair, coming to rest on his shoulders. Falling backwards so slowly, his body over mine, the ice-pack lying forgotten beside my thigh. No words were spoken. Words would have destroyed us. Destroyed me. Don't think. Just feel. Time seemed to pass so slowly with him kissing me, my body half covered by his. I could feel myself gradually start to thaw. Still so cold inside though. So numb. So full of pain and grief and betrayal. And the lies. Always the lies. Was this Hell? Sometimes I wondered. His lips moved from mine, travelling slowly across my cheek, pausing at my ear before beginning a languid exploration of my throat. My body responded, sending spikes of confusion ripping through me. All physical. Had to be. Orlando.... God, why did love have to hurt so much? Sean's touch was like a balm to my wounded soul. A balm that I couldn't let myself accept because it was addicting in its own way, but it would destroy a part of me if I rejected it completely. There was so much more there than I could comprehend, so much more than I could accept just then. Drifting, always drifting. I could feel the emotions wrapping around me, easing a little of the pain, but not enough. Never enough. Couldn't possibly be enough without Orlando. Mild bemusement at the feel of cool air on my stomach, rapidly replaced by warmth as he spread his hand there, palm flat against my skin. Only then did I realize he had unbuttoned my shirt. Nice. His hand on me, his mouth on mine again. I could get used to the slow warmth that spread through me at his touch, so like, yet unlike, Orlando's touch. No. My hands on his shoulders, his chest. Pushing gently, insistently. Forcing him away from me. "Viggo, I l--" "Don't," I said softly, my fingers covering his lips. Don't say the one thing that can never be taken back, never be forgotten. He fell back on the bed as I rose and crossed to the window. Moonlight on my face as I stood there, staring out into the darkness. The soft shushing sound of cloth on cloth as he slid up the bed to sit with his back against the headboard. He watched me. I didn't have to turn to know his eyes were on me, studying me. I could feel his gaze like a physical touch. "You know what I was going to say," he said after many long minutes. I nodded because I didn't trust myself to speak. Couldn't force myself to turn and look at him. The raw emotion in his eyes would have undone me. I couldn't take that risk. Not when Orlando needed me so badly. And not when I loved him so much. "But," he continued, a note of acceptance in his voice, "I'm not what you need right now. Certainly not what you want. I would comfort you if you'd let me." "I know," I said to the window. So dark and cold out there. So very much like my own soul. "If you thank me, I'll have to hit you, too," he said. I wasn't completely sure he was joking. "I won't." "Good." More silence. Comforting, agonizing silence. I wondered where Orlando was and what he was doing. Wondered if he felt as torn apart as I did. Couldn't believe I had lied to him. So many people there to witness that ugly scene. So many of our friends there to hear my false confession. His own confession -- so carelessly given -- still too raw to examine closely. "You're going back to him, aren't you?" Sean asked, sounding as if he already knew the answer. I hated the resignation in his voice. "Probably. Yes." Turned to face him then. So calm outwardly. I wished I felt that calm inside. He sighed softly and I had to close my eyes. "I love him, Sean." "I know. I just...." He trailed off and shrugged. "I guess I was just hoping that what he did and said tonight would open your eyes." "And make me turn my lie into a truth?" Cursed myself silently when he winced. I didn't want to hurt Sean. "We all have our demons to battle, Sean. I can't let him fight his alone." "And if your presence does him more harm than good? What then, Viggo?" "Then I'll live with that for the rest of my life," I said quietly. "I just wish you could see the Orlando that I know." "I wish I could, too," he said. Almost too soft to be heard. He rubbed a hand over his face. "So, are you planning on going back to him tonight or...." I shrugged. "It's probably better if I wait 'til morning. I'm exhausted and I can't believe he's much better. We'd just make a mess of things." "You can stay here." Those green eyes watching me, so intent in their regard. "I don't want to be an imposition." A wry little half smile then, and a soft, self-mocking little laugh. "It's no imposition," he said. "Believe me." I did. Believe him. I knew him. I wondered if I was going to be able to sleep. And then I wondered if Orlando was able to sleep without me there. I sighed to myself and tried to figure out just when everything had started to unravel. + + + Banging. Loud banging coming from somewhere outside my head. I opened one eye and spent several minutes figuring out where I was before I realized the banging was actually a steady knocking coming from the door. "Bloody hell," Sean muttered and I felt the bed shift as he got up. Glimpse of him crossing the room shirtless and barefoot, his jeans snug across his hips. My head was muzzy with sleep as I sat up, raking both hands through my hair, my body awake but my brain still in la-la land. "This better --" Sean broke off and shifted his body, blocking my view of the door. "What do you want?" "I want to talk to Viggo." That soft voice. Okay, my brain was awake. The events of the night before flashed through my head and I closed my eyes against the pain those memories brought. "I think you said more than enough last night." Sean was trying to keep his voice down, not realizing I was awake. I could tell by the way he stood that he was less than pleased. I eyed my wrinkled clothes with distaste and swung around so my feet were on the floor. "Sean, please. I...I need to talk to him." "I don't --" "Let him in, Sean." Almost smiled at the look on his face when his head whipped around. Almost, but not quite. He stared at me for a moment before muttering something and stepping back, pulling the door open with him. Orlando stood there in the hallway, looking rumpled. Not his usual just rolled out of bed, want to go back, join me? rumpled. It was more like an I haven't slept and I've been crying rumpled. It was beautiful and heart wrenching and I kept my eyes on his as I stood up. His mouth twitched into a tiny smile and he stepped inside, carefully shying away from Sean. I just stood there watching him. The smile faded and his eyes strayed to the bed, taking in the disheveled covers before moving back to me. "I, um," he paused, shifting his weight from foot to foot, eyes darting to Sean warily. "Is this a bad time? I...I'm not interrupting any--" "No, angel," I said quietly, gesturing to my badly wrinkled shirt and pants. "We were just sleeping." "Oh." That tiny little voice he got when he was surprised and didn't want to show it. "Oh. Well. Um, can we talk? In private?" Sean leaned against the wall by the door, arms crossed over his chest. Obviously, he had no plans for moving or leaving. Orlando glanced at him and looked away as he shoved his hands deep in his pockets. His lips tightened a little and I noticed the purple mark covering part of his jaw and the corner of his mouth. So painful to see him wounded like that. He looked at me and I could see the split in his bottom lip from Sean's fist, see the way he winced when his tongue swept over it. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, looking at the floor in an effort to keep from walking to him and pulling him into my arms. Too much. "Sean is...he won't pass judgements and anything we say won't leave this room." I looked pointedly at Sean and he just looked back. Finally he shrugged and nodded. "Sure, whatever you say," Sean said. He stretched and vanished into the bathroom. Orlando and I just stood there looking at each other. I could feel the space dividing us as if it were a physical object. It was a chasm that we had to cross and there was too much everything there for either of us to want to take the first step. So we just looked and stood and waited. Neither one of us moved when Sean returned and sprawled on the bed, hands behind his head as he watched us. "Viggo, I...I'm sorry about last night," he finally said. That voice, so soft, so filled with pain. He blinked and glanced away for a brief second before looking back, his eyes finding mine. "I was...I don't remember a lot of it, but I do know that I said some very vicious things and that I...I hit you and I'm sorry. So very, very sorry." I couldn't help it. I had to go to him. I knew Sean was watching and didn't approve, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was standing in front of Orlando, my fingers lightly touching the bruise on his face, my eyes searching his. His wonderful, beautiful, dark chocolate eyes that were so clear and lucid as he looked back at me steadily. I smiled softly and brushed away the lone tear that trickled down his cheek. "We both said some pretty nasty things to each other last night," I said. He nodded. "We were angry and not thinking. What you said...." I paused and took a deep breath, the pain in his eyes striking a matching chord in me. "I wanted to hurt you after you said that so I...I lied." "You lied?" Confusion. His eyes moved to Sean and lingered there for a moment before returning to me. "I don't understand." "About Sean." His eyes widened and he stared at me. "We...I never slept with him. I just said that to hurt you. I'm sorry, angel." Shock on his face. Those soft, pink lips parting in a tiny 'o' as he looked at me. If Sean hadn't been there, I would have thrown him down on the bed and made love to him until we both passed out. As it was, it took all my willpower to keep from doing just that. "You never...." I shook my head. Eyes locked with his, not moving, not letting go. His hand shook when he lifted it to my face, his fingertips brushing my cheek. So much love and happiness in those eyes then. Almost painful to look at him, to know that I had been the cause of pain for him. And then he was in my arms, hugging me tightly, his tears wetting my shirt. I held him close, one hand rubbing his back, the other stroking his hair as I murmured softly to him. Talking nonsense. Telling him how beautiful he was, how much I loved him. Sean muttered behind me but I refused to look at him. No judgements. Not just then. Enough time for that later if he wanted to pursue it. We all had our crosses to bear. He had his, I had mine. And God knew Orlando had his own. "I'm so sorry, Viggo," he mumbled. "So sorry. I'm a complete bastard." "Shh, angel," I said softly, still holding him tight. "No, you're not." "I am," he insisted, still crying. "I'm a worthless little shit and I don't deserve you. I love you so much and I've done so many awful things to you." "Hush, Orlando," I said, tilting his face to mine and kissing him gently. "I love you. We can get through this. Together." More muttering from Sean. I didn't care right then. It felt too right to have Orlando back in my arms. Orlando sniffled softly and rubbed his cheek against my shoulder, his arms tightening around me before reluctantly untangling. I felt as if part of me was missing when he stepped back. "I missed you last night," he said softly, scrubbing at his eyes. "I couldn't sleep." "Oh, amado," I breathed, cupping his face in my hand. "I missed you, too. Have you eaten yet?" He shook his head, his eyes moving to the bed. Stepping closer to me when Sean stood. Watching closely as Sean studied us. I silently prayed that he wouldn't say anything. I wasn't strong enough to deal with another fight. Not then. Not on top of everything else. Too painful to be around them both together. I was just thankful that they weren't circling me like two dogs in heat. "You look like you slept in your clothes, Orlando," Sean said. I closed my eyes briefly, fighting the urge to say something. Orlando just nodded and looked at the floor, his hand finding mine and clinging to it tightly. "I wasn't really thinking straight last night," he said quietly, seeming to draw strength from the gentle squeeze I gave his fingers. "I didn't sleep very much at all because of...of...because Viggo wasn't there and it just.... I didn't think to change out of these clothes. I'm sorry." Sean looked at him for a moment and then shook his head. His fingers moved through his hair, coming to a stop on the back of his neck. He glanced at me and I shrugged. "It's okay, Orlando," I said. Kept my eyes on Sean, hating the way Orlando's hand trembled in mine. "We'll go back to our room and shower and change, and then we'll go get some breakfast." He nodded and lifted his head, looking first at Sean and then at me. "I really am sorry," he said so very quietly. "I.... It won't happen again, Viggo. I promise." I just nodded and steered him towards the door. Stopped when Sean caught my arm. Looked at him calmly as I gently pushed Orlando into the hall, still holding his hand. "How long before he breaks that promise, Viggo?" Sean asked softly. "How long before he rips your heart out again and stomps it into little pieces?" Another shrug. Combined with a faint smile that was just a touch sad. "I told you, Sean," I said. "I can't let him fight his demons alone." "I hope you know what you're doing," he said as he released my arm. "And I hope this is one battle you don't lose." "I won't lose. I can't lose," I said, sounding so confident. Ha. I was just tired and full of myself. And Orlando was patiently waiting. continue...